Read on if you have a sense of humour!

If only Whitehaven was Monaco, what would life be like?
The heat and the wonderful bright sun would be our first problem. Look at how tempers are flaring about car parking and toilet issues right now and it's barely 16 degrees, can you image peoples impatience and lack of tolerance at 30 degrees? Still on the bright side we would see more and more of those wonderfully honed bodies that Whitehaven is famous for. I particularly love to see the old sea dog sailors who had a stomach tattoo done when they were as fit as a butchers dog and now regret not building some expansion into the art. There's nothing says fuck you quite like f     u     c     k     y     o     u!  Mind you unfortunate tattoos aren't the sole domain of the chaps these days and I often wonder if there's any personal embarrassment when a middle aged lady strips for the doctor and her tender parts are emblazoned with eat here or free milk. Still if we were Monaco, we could tolerate all this under the long hot sun.
I suppose we would have to have signs in the harbour area urging locals not to fly their helicopters off their yachts but surely they would be better than signs asking you not to let your dog crap or telling you theres a fixed penalty for littering,,, or was it loitering? Anyway I dont hang around to find out. Still, the water would be clean and there would be an assortment of multi coloured fish scavenging for waste from the many harbourside restaurants instead floating rubbish and the occasional shit eating mullet. But would we be happy? Personally I like the mullet although I wouldn't eat one and its interesting watching the rubbish float down from Pow Beck, you never know whats coming next, mind you watching seagulls fight over a tampon was a particularly low moment. Another bright side would be our Royal family as we would have to have a prince to be a principality. Who could that possibly be? I reckon Prince Starkie would work well, but where would the palace be? What about converting the top floor of the Beacon into a palace apartment and letting visitors pop in during the day to see portraits of Councillor Wormstrup and others from the old praetorian guard of CBC. The Royal car would have to be an electric leaf with a cycle powered generator in the back pedalled by a graduate on loan from Sellafield.
Lowther Street and King Street (to be renamed Prince Street) would be busier though with all the billionaires shopping. Never again would we see a charity shop with a half price sale in the window or an outdoor clothing store offering half price camping gear at the start of the summer.  Empty shops with long gone gigs advertised in their windows would be history and Poundland would be offering pots of caviare with a very short best before date. Mcdonalds would be upgraded to offer sides of salmon or spear caught squid in baps, presumably still with free coke.
One of the drawbacks in attracting billionaires off their gin palaces though would be the speed bumps. I mean come on, who wouldnt get upset if their brand new Veyron got stuck amid rift on County Council property? Mind you they would also cause issues for the Grand Prix race but I suppose the cars could cut up King Street instead and all the teams could use the old bus station as the pit stop (health and safety permitting of course)
The problem is that even if we were Monacco, many locals would still bitch, it's too hot, that yacht is blocking my view of Tescos, there are not enough charity shops and the ones that are here dont have sales on any more!
But at least we would have the sun


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